seven years.

Really? 7 years??!?! A quarter of my life. Made completely meaningless. Instantly. What do you do? My husband was my best friend. We saw the world completely the same. I was unshakable in my complete faith in him, and in our future TOGETHER. No one could have EVER convinced me otherwise. Until 3 months ago anyway.

3 months ago my husband's personality COMPLETELY changed. I couldn't figure out why. Nothing had changed in our relationship, we were still having fun together, as far as I know he would never have to look elsewhere for anything he needed in our marriage. He could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and he did. He said something 'snapped' in his brain. He was unhappy in life. He was bored. Hell, I'm FUCKING BORED TOO! Life is not all fun and games. I don't want to go to work everyday, to school, clean the house, pay fucking bills. But HELLO?!?!!? Welcome to the real world!!!!!! It's not ALL fun and games, you do what you need to do and you make the best of it.

I found a girl's phone number in his phone. It was hidden under a different name. I asked him about it. He said it was just a friend, he hid it because he thought it would hurt my feelings. I told him I was really uncomfortable with the fact that he had a 'secret' friend and asked if he could not talk to that person since the entire situation was threatening to me. He agreed, apologized, ASSURED me that was the end of it. Something still wasn't right. I could feel it. But he told me I was crazy, what was wrong with me, I must be mentally unstable, if I couldn't trust him we shouldn't be married.

We started marriage counseling. He told the counselor how much he loved me, he never has and never would cheat on me. He was telling the truth, I was the one with the issues. That he was there to save our marriage, he was 100% committed to me.

He's a liar. I KNEW something wasn't right. I was so sure he was lying. But I was starting to question myself because he kept getting mad, saying I should trust him, that I was wrong, that I was ruining our relationship. I tried so hard to let it go, I was walking on eggshells, working SO hard at being whatever he wanted me to be. Sacrificing myself (like I'd done our entire relationship!), not being able to express my feelings, not even being able to TALK to him. Trying so hard to get us back to where we were, where I felt stable and secure. But it was still eating at me I could feel I wasn't getting the whole truth.

I saw her phone number pop up on his caller id a night he had plans to be 'out'. I told him that made me feel really uncomfortable. He got ridiculously upset. Screaming at ME!! For expressing that I felt uncomfortable? I said it so calmly too, I'm not understating. EXACTLY what I said "Babe, I saw that girls number pop up on your caller id. I just want you to know that it makes me reallly uncomfortable that she's calling you when you have plans tonight to be somewhere that she is going to be." He EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who does that? So I couldn't hold back that gnawing feeling that I wasn't getting the truth. I tapped his phone. And I found the truth. He's been lying all along. Making me feel like I WAS CRAZY!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!?!?!? HOW COULD YOU SWITCH BLAME WHEN YOU ARE LYING?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?! I cannot begin to understand the reasoning behind it.

So not only am I the one being completely betrayed, but I am also made to feel like the bad guy. I will never get an explanation. I will never even get the truth, he is still denying it even though I have their conversations recorded. He texted me tonight "Stop spreading your accusations to everyone. Be moved out by the first." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? How dare you. How dare you still try to make me feel like the bad guy. How dare you tell ME to move out! As far as I'm concerned you have everything you need, don't contact me or even come over here again. Is this guy for real? He was so convincing, so good at making me feel at fault, I'm beginning to question the entire 7 years. Why did he marry me? I didn't even want to get married, I'm not even sure I believe in 'marriage' as it is! Why was he going to counseling with me? Why lie at counseling? What good does that do? What did I do that I would deserve to be treated like this? What else have you lied about? Why are you still not being a man after you've been caught and stop playing games? What did I do wrong? Why am I being punished? How come you are probably out there having a good old time while I have to deal with the pain of being betrayed at the deepest level? Why did you not keep the commitment you made to me? Why will I never get answers? What did I ever do to deserve THIS? What is not good enough about ME? What else have I been lied to about? How do I move past this? How long until I don't feel like this anymore?

Today I had to go get an STD test. Thanks a lot. Not only have you completely crushed my dreams, my life as I know it, my heart and my future, but who knows what risks you have put my health in.

I know in 5 years this will not matter to me anymore. It will be a struggle I went through and came out better on the other side. But this doesn't help me NOW. I feel like complete crap. A total failure. Like something is wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I can be thrown out and not thought of again. Obviously it is okay to treat me like this?? When I did nothing wrong? How do you move past this. 8am counseling can't come fast enough. And these sleeping pills aren't working quickly enough. I just want to wake up a year from now and skip all of this feeling like complete crap, so hurt, so confused, so worthless. I know it will be better. I'm determined to get the life I lost for him back. I just wish I would've never come back 3 years ago when I left the first time. I wish I never would have married him. He's not who I thought he was. And I thought the world of him. That's what I can't get over. I truly felt SO LUCKY to have him. I've played such a fool.