another day.

i'm really hurting inside. it feels brand new all over again. fake it til you make it, baby girl.

the d.a. called me and told me she got me a criminal restraining order against me so he can't contact me anymore. i am so grateful for that. now maybe the healing can truly begin. i want this to just be a distant memory from my past. let some time fly by, por favor.

drama.

It's been awhile. A lot has gone on. Still getting divorced, but we had come to mutual divorce terms and seemed to be cordial, which I thought was a big step. For us, and really for me. Making new friends, working hard, life is life. Still dealing with the hurt, but at least dealing. I wanted a friendship with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I mean we've lived together for almost 7 years, he was my best friend in the world that entire time, no one knew me better. It's obvious now that that can never happen. He came over on Sunday, asking to sleep on my couch saying he had nowhere else to sleep. I knew that was garbage, but still let him in. Of course he's begging for me back, but there is no going back for me, that decision was clear a long time ago to me. We got into an argument over some stupid thing, and it got bad from there (including him holding a knife to my dog's throat and threatening to kill it!! WTF?!), and ending in his arrest. He's in jail right now for domestic violence against me. I don't think the charges will stick, but who knows. Today the police officer came and dropped off his car keys to me for reasons unknown to me, and of course, always the snoop, I hurried to go check his car to see what I could find. I really wish I hadn't. I found lots of booze in the car (what's the worst is that it's the same cheap ass vodka his alcoholic father drinks. amazing.), I found condoms, and I found drugs. Wow. But the worst I found was his cell phone, and he's still talking and hanging out and FUCKING the same little juggalo girl he cheated on me with. I'm more upset over what I found in the car then I am over what he did to me on Sunday. Why is that?! Something about him begging for me back while still fucking a juggalo, someone he comes over here and talks shit about, someone who he would have pitied when he was who I remember him being. I just want time to fly by from here, I want this feeling in my stomach to go away, I want to be rid of him and if something reminds me of him for it not to bother me, and what I want most of all is to not think of him everyday, and to be head over heels in love with someone who I can trust, who loves me the way I deserve to be loved, and is everything that David wasn't.