another day.

i'm really hurting inside. it feels brand new all over again. fake it til you make it, baby girl.

the d.a. called me and told me she got me a criminal restraining order against me so he can't contact me anymore. i am so grateful for that. now maybe the healing can truly begin. i want this to just be a distant memory from my past. let some time fly by, por favor.

drama.

It's been awhile. A lot has gone on. Still getting divorced, but we had come to mutual divorce terms and seemed to be cordial, which I thought was a big step. For us, and really for me. Making new friends, working hard, life is life. Still dealing with the hurt, but at least dealing. I wanted a friendship with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I mean we've lived together for almost 7 years, he was my best friend in the world that entire time, no one knew me better. It's obvious now that that can never happen. He came over on Sunday, asking to sleep on my couch saying he had nowhere else to sleep. I knew that was garbage, but still let him in. Of course he's begging for me back, but there is no going back for me, that decision was clear a long time ago to me. We got into an argument over some stupid thing, and it got bad from there (including him holding a knife to my dog's throat and threatening to kill it!! WTF?!), and ending in his arrest. He's in jail right now for domestic violence against me. I don't think the charges will stick, but who knows. Today the police officer came and dropped off his car keys to me for reasons unknown to me, and of course, always the snoop, I hurried to go check his car to see what I could find. I really wish I hadn't. I found lots of booze in the car (what's the worst is that it's the same cheap ass vodka his alcoholic father drinks. amazing.), I found condoms, and I found drugs. Wow. But the worst I found was his cell phone, and he's still talking and hanging out and FUCKING the same little juggalo girl he cheated on me with. I'm more upset over what I found in the car then I am over what he did to me on Sunday. Why is that?! Something about him begging for me back while still fucking a juggalo, someone he comes over here and talks shit about, someone who he would have pitied when he was who I remember him being. I just want time to fly by from here, I want this feeling in my stomach to go away, I want to be rid of him and if something reminds me of him for it not to bother me, and what I want most of all is to not think of him everyday, and to be head over heels in love with someone who I can trust, who loves me the way I deserve to be loved, and is everything that David wasn't.

rollercoaster.

I really want off of this rollercoaster ride of emotions I'm going through. It's ridiculous, one minute I am so happy, so excited for my new life, new adventures, finding ME again. And then I am so down, so empty, still so hurt and confused and in complete shock. Then I'm just numb. I really don't like this. When does it end? I just want to stabilize!

Since I changed my number there has been no contact, which I am so extremely grateful for. I don't miss HIM. I'm just mourning the years spent, who I THOUGHT he was, what I THOUGHT I had. I am so tired all the time, I hear it is a sign of depression. Ha, so don't want to even think of that for that loser.

I've come to the conclusion that he never deserved me, and the pressure of being good enough for me finally got to him. That's not trying to boost my own ego, I truly believe it.

I have a lot more to say. I just don't have the energy to do so right now.

day by day.

Still feeling like complete crap. But better. I totally appreciate everyone's support, can't believe how much a visit, phone call, or even a freaking email help me out right now. So in love with counseling right now, I hope I never have to stop LOL.

With the help of my mama got my apartment spotless this weekend. Making it MINE, it smells so good right now :)!

Got some text messages from him yesterday, it really ruined my mood. He is the biggest jackass, I can't even begin to understand who he thinks he is, why he is being so awful when I did NOTHING to him. I get to leave knowing I gave 100%, was open and honest, loved with all I had. I totally regret it to be honest, but I'm grateful that I get to know that I was good. First text said 'Are you moved out yet?' [YEAH FUCKING RIGHT ASSHOLE!] and then 'By the way, i'm not getting back together with you so I don't know what you're doing trying to stick around a talk shit.' What the hell is wrong with this guy?! I wouldn't take him back for ANYTHING!!! What an ego! I could never trust him ever again, and while I commend those who have the strength to forgive someone who's lied and cheated, I do NOT have the energy for it. I don't need to lower my standards or expectations. If it had JUST been the cheating, to be honest I MIGHT have been able to move past it, but it was the constant lying, making me feel like something was seriously wrong with me, I was really starting to question my mental state. I hate liars. Later he texted 'Hold me.' [HA!] then 'By the way thanks for wrecking my life. I was a good husband and you were an awful wife. Thanks for being mature and not acting like a psycho. I still love you. We just can't work together." OMFG. I don't understand this! HE WAS CAUGHT CHEATING ON ME. After I had proof he found out before I even got to talk to him, packed his stuff and left. I have done NOTHING. How am I not acting mature? How am I being psycho? I don't understand what game he is playing. WHO IS HE!??!?! I do not know this person. This is not who I know. I am completely confused. I texted back 'I'm changing my number, stop contacting me. I gave 100% and you lied and cheated. Grow up, leave me alone, and quit lying. You are psycho, I hope you get help." To be honest I wish I never responded, I know he is just playing games, doing whatever he can to try to get to me, which he did. He texted back "I know I need help. I love you for giving it your all at the end. Have a nice life. I'll enjoy being homeless."

Then I changed my number. Whatever David. How was I the one who wrecked his life?! Why is he like this?! Who does that?! I'm sorry if it is inappropriate to be writing this here, but getting it all out like this and talking to everyone is really helping me a lot right now. I just really need to remember all of this so that I don't have any moment of weakness where I even consider wanting him again, I need to remember who he is showing me he is. I just don't understand how it took 7 years for this side of him to come out (or for me to see it anyway). I need to remember this can never work with him. I need to remember.

seven years.

Really? 7 years??!?! A quarter of my life. Made completely meaningless. Instantly. What do you do? My husband was my best friend. We saw the world completely the same. I was unshakable in my complete faith in him, and in our future TOGETHER. No one could have EVER convinced me otherwise. Until 3 months ago anyway.

3 months ago my husband's personality COMPLETELY changed. I couldn't figure out why. Nothing had changed in our relationship, we were still having fun together, as far as I know he would never have to look elsewhere for anything he needed in our marriage. He could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and he did. He said something 'snapped' in his brain. He was unhappy in life. He was bored. Hell, I'm FUCKING BORED TOO! Life is not all fun and games. I don't want to go to work everyday, to school, clean the house, pay fucking bills. But HELLO?!?!!? Welcome to the real world!!!!!! It's not ALL fun and games, you do what you need to do and you make the best of it.

I found a girl's phone number in his phone. It was hidden under a different name. I asked him about it. He said it was just a friend, he hid it because he thought it would hurt my feelings. I told him I was really uncomfortable with the fact that he had a 'secret' friend and asked if he could not talk to that person since the entire situation was threatening to me. He agreed, apologized, ASSURED me that was the end of it. Something still wasn't right. I could feel it. But he told me I was crazy, what was wrong with me, I must be mentally unstable, if I couldn't trust him we shouldn't be married.

We started marriage counseling. He told the counselor how much he loved me, he never has and never would cheat on me. He was telling the truth, I was the one with the issues. That he was there to save our marriage, he was 100% committed to me.

He's a liar. I KNEW something wasn't right. I was so sure he was lying. But I was starting to question myself because he kept getting mad, saying I should trust him, that I was wrong, that I was ruining our relationship. I tried so hard to let it go, I was walking on eggshells, working SO hard at being whatever he wanted me to be. Sacrificing myself (like I'd done our entire relationship!), not being able to express my feelings, not even being able to TALK to him. Trying so hard to get us back to where we were, where I felt stable and secure. But it was still eating at me I could feel I wasn't getting the whole truth.

I saw her phone number pop up on his caller id a night he had plans to be 'out'. I told him that made me feel really uncomfortable. He got ridiculously upset. Screaming at ME!! For expressing that I felt uncomfortable? I said it so calmly too, I'm not understating. EXACTLY what I said "Babe, I saw that girls number pop up on your caller id. I just want you to know that it makes me reallly uncomfortable that she's calling you when you have plans tonight to be somewhere that she is going to be." He EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who does that? So I couldn't hold back that gnawing feeling that I wasn't getting the truth. I tapped his phone. And I found the truth. He's been lying all along. Making me feel like I WAS CRAZY!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!?!?!? HOW COULD YOU SWITCH BLAME WHEN YOU ARE LYING?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?! I cannot begin to understand the reasoning behind it.

So not only am I the one being completely betrayed, but I am also made to feel like the bad guy. I will never get an explanation. I will never even get the truth, he is still denying it even though I have their conversations recorded. He texted me tonight "Stop spreading your accusations to everyone. Be moved out by the first." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? How dare you. How dare you still try to make me feel like the bad guy. How dare you tell ME to move out! As far as I'm concerned you have everything you need, don't contact me or even come over here again. Is this guy for real? He was so convincing, so good at making me feel at fault, I'm beginning to question the entire 7 years. Why did he marry me? I didn't even want to get married, I'm not even sure I believe in 'marriage' as it is! Why was he going to counseling with me? Why lie at counseling? What good does that do? What did I do that I would deserve to be treated like this? What else have you lied about? Why are you still not being a man after you've been caught and stop playing games? What did I do wrong? Why am I being punished? How come you are probably out there having a good old time while I have to deal with the pain of being betrayed at the deepest level? Why did you not keep the commitment you made to me? Why will I never get answers? What did I ever do to deserve THIS? What is not good enough about ME? What else have I been lied to about? How do I move past this? How long until I don't feel like this anymore?

Today I had to go get an STD test. Thanks a lot. Not only have you completely crushed my dreams, my life as I know it, my heart and my future, but who knows what risks you have put my health in.

I know in 5 years this will not matter to me anymore. It will be a struggle I went through and came out better on the other side. But this doesn't help me NOW. I feel like complete crap. A total failure. Like something is wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I can be thrown out and not thought of again. Obviously it is okay to treat me like this?? When I did nothing wrong? How do you move past this. 8am counseling can't come fast enough. And these sleeping pills aren't working quickly enough. I just want to wake up a year from now and skip all of this feeling like complete crap, so hurt, so confused, so worthless. I know it will be better. I'm determined to get the life I lost for him back. I just wish I would've never come back 3 years ago when I left the first time. I wish I never would have married him. He's not who I thought he was. And I thought the world of him. That's what I can't get over. I truly felt SO LUCKY to have him. I've played such a fool.