Still feeling like complete crap. But better. I totally appreciate everyone's support, can't believe how much a visit, phone call, or even a freaking email help me out right now. So in love with counseling right now, I hope I never have to stop LOL.
With the help of my mama got my apartment spotless this weekend. Making it MINE, it smells so good right now :)!
Got some text messages from him yesterday, it really ruined my mood. He is the biggest jackass, I can't even begin to understand who he thinks he is, why he is being so awful when I did NOTHING to him. I get to leave knowing I gave 100%, was open and honest, loved with all I had. I totally regret it to be honest, but I'm grateful that I get to know that I was good. First text said 'Are you moved out yet?' [YEAH FUCKING RIGHT ASSHOLE!] and then 'By the way, i'm not getting back together with you so I don't know what you're doing trying to stick around a talk shit.' What the hell is wrong with this guy?! I wouldn't take him back for ANYTHING!!! What an ego! I could never trust him ever again, and while I commend those who have the strength to forgive someone who's lied and cheated, I do NOT have the energy for it. I don't need to lower my standards or expectations. If it had JUST been the cheating, to be honest I MIGHT have been able to move past it, but it was the constant lying, making me feel like something was seriously wrong with me, I was really starting to question my mental state. I hate liars. Later he texted 'Hold me.' [HA!] then 'By the way thanks for wrecking my life. I was a good husband and you were an awful wife. Thanks for being mature and not acting like a psycho. I still love you. We just can't work together." OMFG. I don't understand this! HE WAS CAUGHT CHEATING ON ME. After I had proof he found out before I even got to talk to him, packed his stuff and left. I have done NOTHING. How am I not acting mature? How am I being psycho? I don't understand what game he is playing. WHO IS HE!??!?! I do not know this person. This is not who I know. I am completely confused. I texted back 'I'm changing my number, stop contacting me. I gave 100% and you lied and cheated. Grow up, leave me alone, and quit lying. You are psycho, I hope you get help." To be honest I wish I never responded, I know he is just playing games, doing whatever he can to try to get to me, which he did. He texted back "I know I need help. I love you for giving it your all at the end. Have a nice life. I'll enjoy being homeless."
Then I changed my number. Whatever David. How was I the one who wrecked his life?! Why is he like this?! Who does that?! I'm sorry if it is inappropriate to be writing this here, but getting it all out like this and talking to everyone is really helping me a lot right now. I just really need to remember all of this so that I don't have any moment of weakness where I even consider wanting him again, I need to remember who he is showing me he is. I just don't understand how it took 7 years for this side of him to come out (or for me to see it anyway). I need to remember this can never work with him. I need to remember.
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